Art Pact 228 - We Fight Any Dinosaur


We Fight Any Dinosaur! That's our name, and in our competitors' mouths it would also be a hollow boast, but we call a guarantee. If you want a dinosaur fought, give us a call! Here are just some of the services we provide:


  • We will box a Tyrannosaurus Rex. Five rounds, ten rounds, whatever you want - the only thing we won't do is take a dive! All of our Tyrannosaur boxing events are completely above board and one hundred percent pure adrenaline thrill-rides! Some of you may be thinking - how much of a fight can a T-Rex put up? He only has tiny arms. But let us tell you one thing about Tyrannosaurs: they do not understand English. They cannot be taught the Marquis of Queensbury rules! They will bite and gore like crazy, and our championship dinosaur-pugilists are in great danger during their time in the ring. If you have any chairs whose stuffing is falling out, feel free to bring them, because you'll only need the edge! Also, feel free to leave the chairs at the venue, because on Tuesdays we wrestle Ankylosaurs, and spare chairs to smash over their backs are always useful.
  • We will come into your house if you have a velociraptor infestation! Although the Mongolian Velociraptor is a relatively harmless house pest, they can affect property values. You don't want to have realtors or potential viewers come into your house and spot a velociraptor, or even velociraptor spoor. House buyers are very wary of such things nowadays, and our service can guarantee you a clean house for upwards of eight months. If you live in Nevada or California you may also be aware of the spread of the considerably more troublesome Utahraptor. Infestations of Utahraptors have been moving west for the last few decades, spreading due to increased use of pesticides which have been depressing local Allosaur populations and allowing the Utahraptors to move into their empty ecological niche. Once a utahraptor colony moves into an area it can be extremely hard to get rid of it, but our trained dinosaur fighters bring a professional attitude to their work and have a proven track-record of removing Utahraptor colonies. We can also consult on sealing houses and workspaces against Utahraptor infestation, ensuring that you have many years free of trouble. Our guarantee! Note: if you should see a Utahraptor, do not attempt to handle the infestation yourself. They are very coy animals, and if you can see one it generally means that there are dozens you cannot see! Their bites can be very painful, too, leading to raised areas on the arms and in extreme cases large areas of air below the wrists. Do not take risks with your or your children's health! Call in our trained exterminators today.
  • One of our employees has punched two Parasaurolophi. Two! That's one more than EZ-Dino, and is currently a world record for Parasaurolophi-punching. Those are the accolades that other companies lust for, but only We Fight Any Dinosaur has put in the resources to find and punch two Parasaurolophi. We take our job seriously, whether it be executing an Egyptosaurus or backhanding a Brachiosaur. If you need a dinosaur fought - fatally or non-fatally - we can do it. Call us today, and watch us Fight Any Dinosaur!


But it's not just dinosaurs that we'll fight. We offer a full service, including fighting ancient crocodiles, giant extinct sea reptiles, pterosaurs and even giant flightless birds of the post-saurischian periods! But there's more! Listen to this happy testimonial from a satisfied customer, L of Illinois:

"I'd used other dinosaur-fighting companies in the past, and although they'd fought the dinosaurs I wanted them to fight, I'd always been a little disappointed by the work they'd done. It had been slapdash, like they were just in it for the money but weren't really interested in fighting dinosaurs. I suppose I would have just kept on using them, though, until one day my daughter came home from school without her homework book. Turns out that a herd of Chalicotheres surrounded her in a vacant lot on her ride home - damn things ate her school bag!

 "Now I put in complaint after complaint to the town council, but it seems like they just weren't interested in sorting out the infestation. Turns out they blew their budget on trying to capture a Parasaurolophi that one of the local companies had bought on eBay and set loose for some kind of punching stunt? What a total waste of taxpayer money, but I guess these other dinosaur-fighting companies don't care what effect they have on the local economy. Someone told me about a federal housing grant for clearing dinosaurs from vacant lots, but guess what? It's for dinosaurs only, the grant doesn't cover Pliocene mammals because of the Renaulds Act of 1985. 

 "I thought I was left with only one option - to fight the Chalicotheres myself. I bought a book on dinosaur-hunting, I got myself ready for the fight by weight-training and punching solid blocks of Cynodont meat that my neighbour leant me from his evening job. My wife kept telling me that it was mad to take matters into my own hands, that I'd only get hurt. But a guy's got to defend his family, right? I couldn't sit by and let my only daughter's chances at university get screwed by a bunch of overgrown sloths! I was ready to punch those guys out, but just as I was revising my will and saying good-bye to my family, a friend told me about We Fight Any Dinosaur. I was skeptical, but their phone service representative assured me that they would be happy to get rid of the Chalicotheres for the low low price of $1500 plus local sales tax! Not only that, but they let me watch so that I could see that they were doing their job thoroughly. Now it's a year later and my daughter can cycle home with her homework any day of the week without trouble. Thanks, We Fight Any Dinosaur! I recommend them to all my friends".

Dinosaur (or other prehistoric monster) problem! Don't Delay, Call Today! 555-DINOFIGHT. Or look at our website!

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Art Pact 176 - In Memory

We gathered at the side of the road, one by one drifting in from who-knows-where. We didn't see, didn't know that another one of us had arrived until there was suddenly one more of us standing there, looking down at the metal. We didn't speak, either. Other people passed around us, but to us they were just grey ghosts in the rain. None of them had been there, so none of them mattered. They might have stared at us, might have cursed us for a minute as they came upon our little gathering stuck solid in the flow of pedestrians like a plaque in a blood vessel, but to us they barely existed. We came in, one by one from who-knows-where until all eight of us were we-knew-where, and all eight of us looking down at the metal and thinking our own cold thoughts. Seven was the last to arrive, as usual. Looking down at the metal I saw her shoes first, elegant black things with a high-heel filled in as is the style. Next to her Three: messy trainers. Next to him, Two in flat pumps. On
Read more

Art Pact 115

"Oh the worst thing about it was just the terrible cold," she said, peering out into the street. The bus pulled up at the lights, stranding her directly in front of an old man in a plaid cap who stared in through the window blankly. He was the same age as her father, but much thinner - a grey raincoat covering up a bony frame that somehow managed to impress itself on the clothes above it in the form of angular eruptions at the shoulder and elbows. From the long sleeves of the coat extended bony wrists that ended in hands white and pink where the strained handles of overloaded orange plastic bags cut into the flesh of his fingers. He looked like a special effects skeleton that had somehow escaped from the studio, donned a hat, and gone out shopping at Sainsburys. On the other end of the line Donovan muttered something trite about the temperature at which it would snow, and she nodded absently, forgetting that he could not see her. The old man looked up, staring directly int
Read more

Art Pact 124

Bruekner shaves with a razor blade. No razor - just the shiny metal rectangle clamped between his thumb and index finger, dragged slowly over his arm in slow strokes, down from the shoulder to the elbow in one long movement, then back up the same smooth path, across a little bit, repeat. His upper arm is the smoothest, most flawless skin I have ever seen, not the slightest hint of the dark hairs that crown his other shoulder, and bronzed to perfection by the sun. I want to touch it, but I am sat on the other side of the waiting room, the smaller side reserved for women, and it would be foolish at best to cross over. Alston sees me watching and nudges me, winking and sticking her tongue out. "Oh, go boil your head," I tell her. Her mouth bunches up into a mock prim expression and she shakes her head sadly, as if I have failed her in some way. Her edges ripple, as though there is a wind in the ether that is dragging her away from me, and I notice that every few seconds she s
Read more